hugs anyone?

" Where the stars come from isn't called Hollywood for no reason, dear"

Chris and I wrote a song a week ago together with that title.. It's about Holly obviously and mostly about how she cracked me open after all that heartbreak I had been through after my ex. It reminds me how I don't want to go back to that place. Because it's what i'm heading for really currently. I'm about to ice up again and it's gonna cost me a whole lot of more energy cause currently it doesn't look like there is somebody around to get me out again like the last times. It's me by myself as it seems.

The song about fear a lot and it's still very very sweet cause that's really how it feels to be her friend.The tune itself is just acoustic guitar and it's probably the nicest combination of the same three chords Chris always uses that I've ever heard. I gave him that line above basically and he just went for it while I did the rest of the song.
 It's all this hurt stuck inside me and her and even though that's a constant in both of our lifes what we share is still just plain odd sweet.

Skittles kind of sweet.
 
Where you can get gross, bitter, disgusting candy bits if you don't watch out - kind-of-sweet. If it wasn't for the ugly tasting bits in our friendship I think we wouldn't quite know the good ones in such an extend that we do ( or I do, anyway! ) .

I really miss her right now.These days.

In other news my mum has basically thrown me out kind of. Obviously I left after we had a discussion but it still feels like i'm atleast unwanted, really.
I acted very responsibly of course. Called her up once I knew where  I was sleeping, called my grams so my mum couldn't call her and pretend she doesn't know where I was as she did last time I left and overall been a good kid. As far as fucking off can be considered being a good kid.

I just can't take it anymore though.She's been home for three weeks now and we just get on each others throat if we spend more than two hours a day together, really.
It's just how we are.
It's especially rough because lady is on the break every DAMN SECOND DAY. She's sat with a whine glass, fag in hand and tears spread all over her face in the living room ( we have a living room now that the no-rent-paying-prick moved out. Yes i'm calling my step-dad a prick. Yes it's immature. No I don't care. ) every second day because she can't handle with heights and lows at fucking all.
Whenever there is some kind of positive addition to her life ( may it be a possible new appartment or a maybe...like.a tree? ) she completely throws herself in it. Not in the regular sense as in "ooh.This might be cool.Let's see..."
No, it's a total "OH MY GOD THIS IS SAVING MY LIFE MAKING ME INSTANTLY HAPPY OH MY GOD."

I'm aware how hurt she is. I doubt i can actually understand how heartbroken she must be sending the man off she always wanted to be the man of her life.
I remember still how hurtful it was breaking up with my first love. Every child she has with him must maximize this to an extend I can't grasp. Every hit she has received from him must send the hurt into spheres she can't grab either. It's something most people don't get but physical abuse connects you with the person who abuses you in a way that is quite insane. Very much so anyway.
And with those two it wasn't just physical but also emotionally and mentally. It was abuse in every layer of life you could imagine and now that he is gone there is basically nothing left.

Besides her kids of course.

She wants it all to be straight now. She wants it to be a family now and to be the family she always wanted.
Where comes the hurt in is that in all her hurt she has created this image of her "new" family is her and the little ones. The new appartment is going to be for her and a room for each the babies. It's true that i'm not trying to change her view on this. It really is. It's probably even moreso that i'm not trying to involve myself very much cause I haven't really felt involved in this whole process from the start.
I'm focusing on the AuPair thing and my drivers license and finding a job ( which i have btw. Bookstore, starting november ).

I don't focus on the pain like she does. I don't focus on that my step-dad is gone. I don't focus on finding a new appartment. I don't focus on feeling bad or trying to change the situation at home.

I don't do nothing the way she does currently and with her and I having nothing to do currently she can see that on the open plate. It adds that nothing she does works out in the end.
It hurts her probably, I guess I get that now.