I need a cure. cause i can't fix it.

Okay, so yeah, it's true.
Most of the time i'm really not the best person ever.
Might come as shock. Cause, y'know, I tried to convince the world with that post that I'm really a good person ( it did work!partially.did work, really.Except for that genderless person of a twat who introduced me to the world of STD's. Thank you, again, thank you.I appreciate comments. ).

Thing is,  I hate the people around me. Most of them anyway. And even I do like them after a week or two oh boy you can be sure  I shall have found something that bugs the fucking shit out of me. All the while living in a pink bubble of bliss believing that I never ( never! ) would be such a pain in the ass like the person of current hate-ings is.
I've always been tracked down, face-front into the mudd, by the fear of losing. Losing in general. People, credit cards, ID's ( it's the 5th since 2005.go me.I don't even have to pull a number anymore at the office.They have a desk especially for me. ) and socks.

But mostly it's about the people.

Generally about 2 years after I have bonded with somebody in a proper, deep, 3am-McD's-drive-in-trips kinda way they start throbbing out of my life again.
A couple of years back that was mostly due to my incapability to stay inside school facilities for longer than 2 years. It just naturally lead to deaths of friendships in a monotonous kind of way. It hurt though. Nevertheless.
Nowadays it's a bit different. There hasn't been a school changed ( besides..d'uh graduation! ) for the past three years - which is btw. the longest I have spent in one school since elementary school - and no drastic drug abusings or me running away from home.
It's what i'd call well, disgusting as it may sound : normal.Stable, even.

Still, people keep dropping out, really. Situation being different I feel that I have changed, too. It's not like the people around me have been picked by my "role" in school anymore like it does when you're 15. I have actually chosen to call these people my friends.
It wasn't the unfortunate happening of them sleeping in the same basement for three months that made us friends or that they had the same smellyness surrounding them and holes in their clothes ( none of them ever wear clothes with holes.Those spoiled bitches! ).

I liked those people.

From the bottom of my heart and with all the love my tit-covered chest has to give. Because they were how they were, nothing less, nothing more. Just perfectly themselves. People with their own stories, their own love for music ( cause really, even though I did pick them love for music was one of the things mandatory for a common future together. If they wouldn't have checked that one their application for being my friend - no chance! ) , their own sense of dressing, family issues and weird, random randomness.

The buggingness starts when one of those proper individuals starts completely losing it out of whatever reason there may be and starts friggin absorbing somebody elses personality. What tastes like a fine compliment at first starts haunting your dreams, it burns conversations down after the "hey...!" and burries convo topics that seemed so normal and natural at first six feet under.
It's a thing to be inspiried by the people around you ( which i am.I'm a fucking copycat all the way.Brody Dalle basically dressed me through my teenage years and did my hair - literally. )  and another one to forget who you are simply to pretend to actually be the punk rocker from down under.

It's not a flattering thing to lose yourself. It turns yourself sour and damages the connection you once had to the person you copy. Cause they know. They do. It's obvious and it's freaking out. It's not cool and it's not going to get anybody anywhere.

I love sharing the simply love for sharing things. But i don't actually like sharing my loves.

Which is rubbish of course and it doesn't conform with the whole giving-up-yourself-attitude those Yoga-types and Feng-shui-seekers try to teach people these days. But damn I do have right to own some things to myself and just to myself. Even if it's just the love for a coked-up Amy Winehouse. I wouldn't mind if people around me would like her - for their own reasons. Hell, i don't mind! Everybody knows and loves her. It's a good thing to see i'm not the only one.
But if there is somebody who steals the way to love the things you love it becomes a scary thing.

There's a certain arrogance in this of course. Saying "only I love blue eyeshadow in a daunting, kinky way and nobody else should." but why can't you just love blue eyeshadow in a sexy, fancy way?
Is that too much to ask? I'm not wantint things all by myself. I just need to be able to appreciate them the way I do - without worrying about somebody else forgetting how they appreciate things in order to be closer to a way of living and loving things they admire.

I don't wanna take that responibility.It's a stupid thing. And it's not like I love things in a very positive, beautiful and copy-worthy way either.
I'm just me and I'd like to stay the only me available. And moreso I'd like the people I like to stay the way they are. Which is selfish, I'm aware. But if they have to change please do it in a way it's still you at the core - not me.