it's polka dots and heavens sake
I think i've found out why Bianca and I are still intending on a new career as groupies.
Because there's nothing more we need right now than a plan. Graduation? Fucking hell I've got no idea what i'm gonna do afterwards!
AuPair is on the plan, 12 months in L'america working a 40h week with one (probably more ) kid, living in a family. Today i got up at 7, headed off to the kindergarden i'm currently working at starting 9 in the morning. Well, two hours later i was already close to smacking the kids. Or atleast tie them up and lock them in some room.
Fourty hours a week sounds like a punishment.
Like getting whipped with ice cream. Until doom-time. I'm just glad kids take naps. Lots of them.
So yeah, i need a plan! That whole writing thing sounds lucious. I liked november when i just sat down every night and wrote my ass off to finish the novel. I really did. And i know i'll always keep on writing but oh boy is that going to be what i'm going to be?
Do i want to finish the year uproad and then start studying some shit in Berlin? Do I? Do i want the hassle of a life that is waitressing to pay my bills and go studying afterwards? Do i want to get a "normal" job? Some office crap like my mum? I spose she'd kill me for that. Smack me with ice cream probably.
Am i going to get through that 12 months stay in the US? What if my cravings are going to overwhelm me and make me stay there? What if i'm going to be an unemployed douchebag in LA? Or worse! What if i'm going to be stupid and marry Ben to get a visa! Imagine me as a wife! With Ben!
note to self: Make sure Ben's got no girlfriend when staying over. Gonna make the marriage less of a hassle
What if the States are what i need to get this fucked up self that is me off forever? You guys got Journalism degrees. I mean come on. I've always secretly dreamed of being Rory Gilmore #2. Just less awkward and with more tits.
What if i can't stand a fourty hour week? Or two annoying kids? Or if I end up shagging the host dad? What if i screw up real bad? What if i... *shudder* miss home?
All those obnoxious question in my head banging against the big big massive steal door i've
Being a groupie sounds like a very sweet escape. I could be obnoxious just like the questions. I could do drugs all day, shag Jesse or whoever is available. Be nothing but a whore. That sounds like a plan. It sounds like an un-fuckup-able plan. Something you can't fail at. Something I can not fail at. Something so unsure and whacky it sounds founded and reasonable at the same.
I remember wannabe-Josh telling me that he never wants to grow up. A 29 year old ( handsome, hot, tattooed, sexy, rawr - ) doc telling me he doesn't want to grow up.
How don't you grow up in this world? How do you not want to be stupid and snort a line in this rubbish stupid world with all it's opportunities but no clear lines?
I really don't want to grow up. But i'm somehow starting to doubt that's possible.
