lost cause, maybe?
Baby, i'm tired of fighting for a lost cause.
& I really am. These days it seems all my friends have vanished into spheres. Last night i was watching over my uncles babies, adorable kids, little nuts like they should be in my family.
Around midnight i called Bianca up, sitting on the huge sofa they have watching the german version of Star Search. Five minutes later i had hung up again. A deep breath was released through my loungs and done i was.
"This is useless" , i thought. It wasn't a big deal. "Friendships are like this sometimes.They go down and down-er. And than they crash. And go down a little more and afterwards they raise from the ashes... or they should." , i said to myself, shrugging it off and with that i sat myself in front of the laptop the family has and i'm free to use.
I opened myspace.com and replied Bens private message asking what he's up to and that i'm watching over the little ones right now feeling a little lost in this big house of theirs with my vodka in hand and the Instant noodles in other ( best combo ever!! ).
I clicked "send" and then went over to my e-mail account typing basically the same out for Holly hoping she'd reply.
About fiveteen minutes later i went to bed.
I had poured the noodles into the sink and the Vodka down my throat.Upstairs, in the attic my uncles wife had layed out a provisory bed with lovely sheets on it for me.
What i'm trying to say is that i'm desperately seeking for attention.
It's pittyful. It really is and it disgusts myself to see me like this. My life is filled. I go to school from 8am till 2pm, then i'm off to the kindergarden i'm working at till 5 right afterwards and after three hours with them i'm sat inside one of the 14 theory hrs i have to take. On saturdays i get up at 9 in the morning, i go downstairs and take care of the backyard for about an hour so the old lady on the first floor doesn't have to do it. I do it because there's 3 other families in this house but they just don't have the time. So i do it.
After i'm done with that i pay 5 quid for a 24hr train ticket and drive 20 minutes to see my grandmother. I help her cleaning, we go grocery shopping with her car and i nearly lose my life cause the lady can barely see the street in front of her but prefers to drive a 100km/h. I go to the graveyard with her, visiting the grave of her husband and to take a peek on the grave of my grand-grandparents. My heart cringes everytime i see it and brings back flashbacks of the first years in my life where things were just okay.
Around six i usualy leave my grams and get back home, by then i've received about 4 txts off several people wanting me to go clubbing.. It's saturday night and i already had declined to go drinking on friday cause i have to get up early saturdays. So i say yes. Cause they're my friends. Cause they wanna go out. Cause i don't want to disappoint them. Cause i love going out with them.
So i check my notes from school realizing that i have four exams during the week and a presentation. My hand reaches my neck and rubs it slightly.. I reach out for the pills on my desk, take eight and dial Biancas number. While the phone rings i reach out for my wallet and realize there's 10 quid left till the end of the month.
It's the 17th.
The phone keeps on ringing and ringing but i wait cause I know Biancas house is huge and she has to find out which one of the 8 phones they have is ringing first.
Once she has picked up we chat about this and that and i feel the lack of sleep hitting in. By now it's 8ish in the evening. We agree to meet up at 10 downtown for clubbing and massive booze. My mum comes in and mumbles something about the cat toilet needing to be cleaned and the dishwasher still being full.
I reach out for another painkiller and get off. I know that if i clean the cat shit i'll need to shower again. Two minutes ago i thought i could take in half an hour of sleep. With that i leave my room.
As i'm sat in the train downtown once more on this lovely saturday ten minutes before 10 o'clock my phone vibrates offensively against my ass telling me that Bianca will be late. Atleast 20 minutes. I shiver ones more cause i'm way too less dressed for the temperature outside. And then i think "god am i glad there's holidays in a week. Thank god."
& then, all of a sudden it dawns on me.. From 9 to 13.30 i'll be working in the kindergarden, then heading towards the station where Svenja will pick Eva and me up. Where we'll be driving to? Well the maths course we booked. Which cost me 185 quid. Yep. I'll be there around 14.25 doing maths for 4.5 hours.
Afterwards Svenja will drop me off at the theory lessons for my drivers license which will be my place of choice for the next one and a half hours.
By the time i'll get home it'll be 9 o'clock. And guess who'll have txt-ed me about going out drinking for the night again?
So yeah, my bloody fucking life is filled. But it seems that's just the case with everybody. Cause apparently people keep on thinking that, for instance, going to school and having to bring out the trash is really an effort.
I'm whining, i'm aware. My life is good. All is good. Shiny happy people up my arse and down my wallet.
I'm a lost cause, baby. I really am. I always wanted a "life". I always bragged about how fucking boring my life is. Holly knows. And now that it's picking up it's shit all i want. It's nothing of what i want,.
I'm a lost cause. And i'm sick of trying to keep up with myself being such an ass.
I don't need to be told that everything is "going to be okay." It will be. It always does. It always does. I know. But honestly, i'd rather have it screwing up and going down.
I used to feel really sweet and rotten inside with the whole tumbling around.
