maybe it's just me being...

maybe it's just me being the silly person i am but sometimes i wonder if i can't be more.
And if so, how to find out that the stage of 'more' has set in.How do i know that the longing inside me isn't actually cheating on me like a cheap, lame ex-boyfriend and his hooker lady?How do i know that what i am feeling insied me isn't just the spunk of rotten childhood dreams and lost parents and left out friends and missed chances?How do i know that anything inside me screaming to get out and burst and explode and run and fight and explode isn't actually just a lame trick of myself trying  to make me push the truth further away?That this really is all i 'll be getting.That who i am can not be run from.That wether i live in New York or Manchester or Berlin having exclusive friends and fancy parties and studying delightful things isn't going to make a difference?That it is still me being stuck with myself?Wether i like or not.That myself and my longing and the desperation for change, for more, for better, for different will never go away?No matter how far i'm running.No matter how much weight i might lose, no matter how deep i'd ever cut my own flesh and no matter how much liquor i'll drink on the weekends and how good the next shag will be, it's still going to be me getting laid and feeling awful about it and it's still going to be me in the glorious big apple or the retro berlin or the shabby Manchester feeling like a false thing, a rotten error, a piece of crap to say it in the proper accurate language.
Is life really about finding your own place, your own self, the way you deal with thing, is it about improvement and finding the right boy to live with and the right toys to play with and the proper chair matching tables and the nailpolish being rebellious enough to upset your parents and a good relationship with your grandmother cause she hates your mother the same way you do and is it about realizing that you really need your ass up and running, about finding a job that fits you and a love that matches you and the right and good and wrong and false things... or isn't it really about accepting no matter how stuffed or empty your life is it is still you stuck in it?And how you can't leave yourself alone?
Isn't life a sick little ride of accepting that you in yourself won't change but adapt ?

What's the best way to spend a rainy day?
The best way to spend a rainy day is in a car far far out in Wales - ish lands with a smelly rottweiler, a british mum and a welsh wanker called 'oley ( be aware, she might bite if y'call her that ) ..If the said aren't available be stupid and go stand outside and let it pour on you ( i don't recommend you doing that in either New York or Russia.One for atomaric -is that a word?- reasons and the other attempt might result in your getting killed.choose which one appeals to which one. ) cause that's really the only way one should spend a rainy day.there's just nothing better.

I also just got emailed this reeeally old ( to me it feels reeeally old anyway ) picture of me with my long her.Must have been the night before i got it cut and a friend of mine and i sat down in my bathroom to discuss the action.We both agreed that the long hair period was gone.period.
It was a fabulous night with loads of whine and stupid theories about men and i miss the said person lots.Well his old self, really.
People just shouldn't take drugs.