"The bull is very important in this number!"

I am watching I Love Lucy! I can't believe I am actually watching I Love Lucy. On Tv. I can't believe how happy it makes me to watch I Love Lucy. Can you believe how happy it could make a person to watch I Love Lucy on telly?

It's not just I Love Lucy though, it's that I am wearing a Kat von D shirt I bought in the Virgin store at Times Square and I am drinking Kool-Aid. Jammers, not the do-it-yourself kind. Jammers, kids. As my bed-time lecture I am feeding myself the twisted mind of Sylvia Plath and I listen to Bob Wyss ( author of Brimfield Rush ...a book about the Antiques and things. Haven't read it yet. ) talking about Ornaments watching him play with his granddaughter. I talk to women who have raised three children and gotten a Ph.D. in Psychology and I spend my weekends wandering around New York City.

Well, not so much this weekend because Hey, giant snow storm all over New York. But generally that's what I do.

I wish I could write how depressing all of this is to see and I'm sure that moment will come especially with the delicate book-choices I seem to make and the non-existant interest my friends and family back home seem to have in setting up a virtual speak-and-see connection with me.

Yet, Lily Allen brightens up my mood and I couldn't tell how a 45 hour week with two baby-kids wears me out. The way I smile on pictures has changed for a reason or two aswell. I thought I had lost it and I'm not saying I am a different person but dear me I have my smile back.

I have all these pictures of me and my sister and somewhen a couple of years after my step dad had entired our life and things started to fall apart inside me my smile vanished. I started blacking out. Not as in fainting but rather as in fading out of the pictures. There is and was no personality of a bubbly happy child to be seen in those pictures. I was dull and bloated, an ugly vision of what should have been and was supposed to turn out as a decent child.

I desperately seek for a love to share with. Missing Holly is the worst part living here, really. She's my keeper. Keeps me sane, keeps me for the sake of me not going crazy inside this world. I will become a doctor even if it's just for the sake of knowing how to help her out.