Too high, can't come down!

Saturday night was weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeird as fuck. Hell! I haven't had such a weird night in ages!
So i call Nancy* after 5 days of not-calling her ( nothing special, just haven't had the time) and all she does is yell about her sister having wearing her shirt ( sister is twenty.She's 18. No need to fucking yell! ).

So i tell her calmly that she should just gimme a call back if she finds the time ( so many things got done in those 15 minutes! The laundry, wrote an email to the people from school, wrote down places to hand in my papers for the drivers license! It's immense what you can get done talking to your friends! ).

Or summat?

An hour later she calls back and i try holding a decent convo with her but... not working! She's distracted, not answering what i'm asking her and chitchat like that. So i find a reason to hang up on her without having plans for the night.

Round 9 as i'm just slipping into my PJ's watching some weird ass movie with Josh Hartnett being done with going out.. Eva calls out of all people ( we never talk on the phone, it's just not something we do. I love the kid but it just never happens. ) if i want to meet up at Nancy*s to go clubbing. I sigh and agree and swing on me little love-bike that i've been riding recently with lust and love and amy winehouse in my ear in the sun ( it's ace! ) .

& while riding down the streets and the dark alleys with the hobos standing on the corner eyeing me like hungry crocodiles ( yes, nothing less than crocodiles ) it dawns on me that i asked Nancy* earlier that day wether or not she has spoken to Eva about clubbing tonight. In return i got a very very nasty comment about Evas studying behaviour accompanied by yells about t-shirts and nasty sisters and that Nancy* hasn't called her for over a week. Oh, nice really!

But whatever, i keep on riding my bike in pure bliss all the way down to Nancy*s place - the whole 25 minutes out of town. Oh yes, i feel heroin-esque and full of luck hormons while ringing her doorbell.
However, she's not really impressed. Not very much anyway or enough to help me put my bike in the garage.But hey! Everybody can have a bad day!

The minutes go by and the lady goes off showering so i ask her for some liquor. And she replies she ain't got any? So i think... okay... something is wrooooong here! new dimension? Did i get time warped? What happend? Is this me? Am i Buffy? Have my dreams come true and the price i'm paying is the loss of my dear loved alcohol?

I'm not exactly allarmed, but i'm watching ya, lady. Big Ina is watching ya!

I catch the phone and ring Eva to bring Barcadi no matter what! My heartbeat slow down again, the sweating stops and my body temperature returns to 36°. I'm cool. Quite much.
Of course the constant comments about my eyeliner and hairdo being "oh so amy winehouse" and "must have taken you THREEE HOURS atleast!" ( I say „Nancy*, i work from 9 till 2 in the kindergarden and then headed out for the park with Sandra..i don't actualy have three hours to touch my hair.but okay!“ ) could get me down but i've got the love of barcadi ahead! Nothing can bring me down, biatch!

Still, somehow Nancy*s attitude is kinda getting me.I don't know what it is about her but i'm glad Eva is joining in soon to make sure i won't strangle her.
At this point it was round 10ish and i was asking for liquid eyeliner.Oh the mistake. Oh the mistake. I was sent off to go mind my own fucking business and if i wanted to know if my toothbrush still existed i'd fucking have to fucking go look on my fucking own!

So, i get up and brush my teeth ( yes, my toothbrush was still i alive.Although i could bet on it having seen the toilet from a closer perspective since last saturday waiting for my return), while i splish and splash in perfect self-absorb-dness i hear the bell ring and rush down quite cheery-ly expecting the goodness that is liquid blessing!

I do hear how Nancy* mumbles something about how i could just use the door opener cause Eva can find her own way in but i'm not really paying attention anymore.

I squint, squee and cheer and open the door ; There she is, glorious as always, smiling at me with all her clear beauty. She's extraordinary, a bit small and not as proper as i'd want her to be but i know she'll be doing good : My dear bottle of barcadi. There you are. Come to mama!

Oh yeah, Eva was there aswell. She was looking cute and all and i was glad i wasn't left alone with the crazy monster upstairs anymore.

So Eva gets in, i ask her how she is and finish my teeth and then i ask who wants drinksssss.Obviously i cheer, then Eva cheers but Nancy* doesn't. Somehow.
I think i was realizing the day of doom and death and Buffy season six was right around the corner. But. There was liquor in sight so things couldn't quite get so worse, could they.

Oh boy should I be proven wrong. I should have seen the signs!

Anyway, I head down, mix a good one for Eva and start chatting with her.

Now, somewhen inbetween mix #2 and mix #3 Nancy* joined in again. When i ask her about drinkage tonight „and the cashflow“( as the cool kids put it.. don't they? i don't know if it's true but that's what i heard! ) she looks at me with full disgust frontal in her face from where blurts out a "gosh uhm no? i ain't drinkin' tonight cause D'OH i am like ill!" ( note: I think in her head the sentence ended somewhat like „DID YOU NOT NOTICE? YOU SHOULD NOTICE!“ )

Thoughts running in my head, everything blurs out, i wonder if ... fuck.it's not really Angel season 4 now!?IS IT?IS IT? I'M GONNA DIE IF SO!

Oh please!Do not call me unreasonable!

I remember a million times, Nancy*s nose running, her eyes bright red, headache so massive you can actually see it, weak in the legs, coughing to death. BUT with a bottle of whiskey in hand!
You know, that's one of the indicators of life being the way it should be. Everything in order, no big bad evil in sight. It's
a ) Nancy* with lust for liquor
b ) Me, with a lust for liquor

c ) Somebody else close round with a lust for liquor ( and recently featured
d ) Amy Winehouse with a lust for liquor, )

plus, sometimes, f) a new big brother season starting NEXT FALL!

Now, if one of those basic instituation and columns of life fall apart you can only imagine how everything else crumbles : I knew this night was meant to be doomed.

Since those occurencies ( and a couple more of those bizarre, wicked sceneries making my world shake later on as the evening continued - but i don't want to bore you.ha.kidding.I'm just lazy. ) i have not heard of her yet.

I'm blaming the pre-stress of GRADUATION ( big capital letters cause that's exactly how it looks in my head.  ) on it.

Because I do love the lady. She's a good one.

I've made this list of things i love about her and that she's done for me in the past couple of weeks. It's a pretty list and i'm aware that i shouldn't be making lists about things i like about my friends because i should simply like them for them being themselves - the issue is, however, that she's not being herself but some weird ass clone.

And the other issue is that i have had the worst pick of friends in the past 10 years one could pick - and i'm utterly scared and frightened to end in just another circle of me trying to turn them into something i like, something i want, the "something" i saw in them that made me want to be their friend in the first place.

I do know i am not the very best picker in the world. I suck at it, to be honest. I end up wanting to be friends with people who don't even look at me, people who would rather invite utterly shyte fellows instead of me - when i KNOW i could be SUCH an addition to their life!!

So, i don't end up with them. I don't end up with the obviously popular blokes or the pretty girls. I get along with them, am friendly without being superficial and so are they.

Maybe they know and sense that i'm not in for the fancy, weekend girlfriends. Maybe they can tell that i stick. Maybe that's what makes them bugger off. I chose to pretend it's exactly that and not me being a rude bitch most of the times yelling for some goddamn fucking hell ass coffee for goddamns sake.

And i've been riding good with it, y'know. However, if you stick with people, well, then you stick with people - I do.

And with that behaviour i'm being put in a very vulnerable state of mind. Cause i'll be letting a girl treat me like utter shit for over two years. I let her bail out on me whenever her boyfriend mourns. I stop going out. I cry on a saturday night cause i'm ready and set to go clubbing with my "best friend" and then she calls and says she won't. Just because ( her boyfriend doesn't want to. ).
Hell, i even end up dating one of her boyfriends band mates just for the sake of trying to spend more time with her. Because she's my friend and I do want to spend time with her - but not the other way round.
Or i go ahead and go through a 9 months journey with a coke addict cause well, he's my best friend.

There's countless occassions of me getting used like this and yes, making a list of the things your friend has done for you in the past couple of months isn't the most idealistic piece of work i've done.
But i think it's going to protect me from going there again. Without being unfair to her. Because reality and what i want reality to be seem to be two completely different dimensions.

* She's not really a „Nancy“. I know.