you say "when we marry" , cause you're not bitter

I've just realized that i can write about all kinds of things about everybody else and how i feel about everybody elses business and ideas and minds and thoughts.
But when it gets rough inside me i don't bring it to paper. I don't even bring it to Vox. Which is probably the smarter thing to do cause that way i bring it to Holly or my mum or , sometimes even, to my grandmother or friends.
But i don't write about it anymore. My life is quite troubled currently. I worry about quite a lot, my graduation, my drivers license, my lack of sleep and food. There's more stuff.
And still, it's feeling like it's bringing me closer to myself. I've always had issues with getting in contact with myself. I could try to lock myself in a room and spend time with myself but this usualy ends with me being utterly depressed. Whilst i don't know if being with myself triggers the depression or if it's just me being stupid. Most likely the latter.

When i was younger i was battling this lack of contact with cutting and self-abusive behaviour in general. My (step-) dad used be violent against me. Quite much, actually. I remember my mum saying that i was provocing his behaviour and that secretly, I wanted to get the response he was giving me.
Of course she only said that when she cried hysterically, being completely overwhelmed with everything and not knowing what else to say. And of course i reacted like any 13 year old would react - hysterically calling her a cunt and storming off to get drunk ... Okay, well,not every 13 year old.
But the point is that she was kinda right. It's quite rough to admit that cause whatever my dad did was completely fucked up and i'll never forget ( dunno about forgiving, it's a thing you learn that your parents are just human aswell, somehow ). What he did was not right and even if i had physically made him hit me he shouldn't have done it.
However, in retrospect i think my mother was kinda right. And i'm still doing this - having people hurt me because i make them.

In his case he did it physically but we all know there are millions of other ways to hurt a person.
Back then the thought of me wanting to be put in the place of being hurt wasn't even crossing my mind but thinking about it know it does fit my self-abusive personality in a bunch of ways - which is scary in one way and peace-giving in another.
It's hard to explain. Amy Winehouse ( to bring in my latest obsession ) said in an interview that there'a song called "He hit me and it felt like a kiss" by the The Crystals. Most people would be like "oh my god, she's supporting domestic violence." ...But i know exactly what she's saying.