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So I cut. Twice in the last week. Before i left New York while being with Jay right after we had sex and today after he cut in the morning. I took the hottest bath and cut my leg open with a razor. Three little triplet cuts everywhere, bleeders, too. I am trying to make him feel responsible, i helped him out this morning and then slipped into cuttage myself this afternoon. I sat on the phone lulling him to sleep and the other way around "he can't have this conversation right now". I'm being submissive where i should yell at him that I DO need this conversation RIGHT NOW.
This is the moment where independant, self-sufficient women would dump the fag. This moment should have happend a while ago when I realized he's a pot smoking fuck up with no future ( which isnt true, hes too lucky not to have a future and his family adores him too much to let him not have one...hell always have something. )
I want to yell and shout firstly at him and how much i love him and second at my incompetence to differenciate my emotional layers. Am i hating him cause im pushing him away? Am i angry cause i cut? Am i angry cause i let him be part of this? Am i angry cause i want him to take care of all my brain defects? Am i upset cause its another round of "I take care of you but you wont take care of me?"?
I know instantly and always what other people need. My mothers example has programmed me to do this with males, females, friends, parents of friends, bosses and kids. I just know. It gets frustrating whenever its not return but i am in dire need of the same understanding.
I feel like shit, essentially. At all times. He drives me nuts, makes me want to kill him. He won't listen when i speak even if he asks and the way he looks at me has changed from adoration and admiration to pure boredom. I could do splits on an elephant with pumpkin pie on my nipples he wouldn't give a flying shit. I feel trapped like a million tigers would feel if someone put them in a can. A tiny can without light and air. He's everywhere and with him are his millions of feelings and they're all surpressed. Theyre' down there and i can't reach them. They're fluid and solid at the same time. Crammed in a timeframe i can't step into and he can't step out of so we fuck in the middle and then bounce back into our gummy little reality bubbles. How much hurt can a person take? How much of his pain can i take onto me - as a friend, as a person. Not really as the one i want him to fall in love with. He's not in love with me. We create love out of what we have to give to the other one -
compassion, lust, anger, hatred, kindness. I don't know what we created
this love out of but it's none of those. You can't go back to long-lost-love the way we used to know it once you've lost it. It's tainted and the top of it always smells like burnt milk on the stove. That's why we go back to what we used to love. The sheer thought of never having it again drives one insane, makes me mad, makes you a lost boy. He wishes he could and he tells me he does but nothing could ever come close enough to what he has with her - had with her , will always have with her.The pureness of the dirt they have together makes them so perfect for each other you can't help but stare at it. The hatred she harvests inside herself towards everyone and anyone who doesn't love her unconditionally at all times and forever is unspeakable - even towards herself. She can't grasp how beautiful and perfect she is so she hates everythimg about herself instead.Devours it with a hunger only known to hawks and crows. She devours everything else with it, too. She won't pick the mouse off the field, she'll drain the whole field in her lungs while she's at it and then cry about the lost grains for too many moons.
She's so perfect for him they would slit each other open with their boney hips and just drown in the blood.
I don't know nothing anymore, i am pathless, without ambition and guts to do anything. I used to never think, always act, pure evil on a playground yelling for more apple pie. I'd run wild with the daisies and never look back, leave boys and girls dead on the sidewalk while wind and monsoons would carry me up, up and beyond with their claws tucked tightly into my skin until my ravid shakes of annoyance would make them drop me. Millions and thousands of feet down, down and beyond. Crash, die, burn - just feel somethig deep down where nobody lives. I wasn't even able to distinguish heart, brain and soul for the most part.All one big bruise. Everything would hurt at all times reminsicing the pain he burnt into my body by his gloved, tarnished leather hands. But it would make run and run without exhaustion or misery or hunger. I'd be needless for so long and now all i can do is need,need and need more.
Now it's all my head. At all times. It plays me and tricks me into thinking normalcy could work. That i wasn't the girl that has to get away. How many lost boys are there to save?
I am , perhaps, the only girl who has ever felt like this but i just realized something while doing the dishes ( yes, my housewife self took over and i actually got shit done). Anyway, I used to feel entirely reponsible for any kind of sexual errection i would cause to the male somethings around me.
I am aware that I am a horrible bitch most of the times. But I've spent hours of my life being nice to the wrong people and it's not paying off. Clearly not. Which results in my bitchiness most of the times.
here it comes
So, seing Valorie made me realize some thing. Because she's one of these fairy people who make me realize things. Of them being that i can't keep everything in. I need to let out in order to be in peace with myself. So there we go. It hurts me that you just cut me out of your life. I feel betrayed. Because you have done this before. The weeks and weeks we didn't talk last time cause you got pissed about the gay - comment i made. And then you re-entered my life. Without me asking or anything. We bonded or whatever you want to call it over Patricia and i enjoyed talking to you again. You even told me you lub me and i felt all fuzzy and happy because i love my friends most of all. And then i thought "hmmm maybe he's in for the long run this time, who knows" . So i went on ahead and told you that if you want to stick around all i needed from you was to not just cut me out if i was ever gonna fuck up or do something that made you upset again. And you said you got me. I remember that clearly cause it was important to me. People have died because of drugs and stupid things in my life so many times i've lost the ability to have people dropping in and out of my life a long while ago. It hurts me too much. You said you got me. You know, and i took what you said for the truth and now i feel betrayed and hurt cause i trusted you. I apologized for updating my status with that stupid expression of hurt and you never replied. It's a horrible thing to do, Matt.
Do I have something to say?
whoredom , my mum shouldn't read this but her english sucks so maybe she won't get it