I find that if i just put all my dark thoughts, my unhappiness, my father, my eating disorder, my lack of love, my loneliness, my persistant angst to be alone, if i just take all that and put it in a far far corner in my brain it doesn't bother me that much. I if just put it away far enough.
Allright then. It's Saturday night and i'm home alone, which i will remain as. There's a party in brooklyn, here's a house party in Yorktown ( which i'm not invited to but could crash and make the guy feel awkward ) , i could go down to Christins house and just hang out because she has to work. Or there's a movie night somewhere in Conneticut at a Christians house ( she's got the house to herself for the weekend and this is what she's doing with the freedome. ) , i could bug Anna and go out into the city like last night . Or call Julie and hang out in Hoboken.
I really don't know
what to write about anymore
cause everythings been written by now
every sentence is escalating in permanent rendundancy
It's the issue of my generation
it's all been done now
Even financial crisis
we couldn't care less now
we've been there
it's all been done
we know exactly what to do
there's no secrets now,
no fears there
you open the books there and you know what to do now
it's planes inside buildings
and immigration gone horrid
I know what to do now
I just don't know how to be happy
we take adderall to wake up then
xanax to calm down
it's all on prescription
and i sound like Lily Allen
my hair looks like Winehouse
and my body like Adelle
it's been a long time now since i've been so scared
I don't want to sleep
and i don't want to be awake
it's all in the stages between now
There is something about this life here that makes me incredibly happy. Normal even. The disconnection I have with my close family is incredibly present these days. Except for my sister, which is interesting because I've hated her since day one - well not her but more so the things she represented. My step-dad became real at the moment she was conceived , connecting forever with my mother in a way only a child can connect you with another person.
