I am , perhaps, the only girl who has ever felt like this but i just realized something while doing the dishes ( yes, my housewife self took over and i actually got shit done). Anyway, I used to feel entirely reponsible for any kind of sexual errection i would cause to the male somethings around me.
Not in a "oooh, look he got a boner" but more in a "fuck! i just caused him a boner! let me help him out it's all my fault!"
The last two weeks I spent with J. J who is entirely adorable but has some minor flaws which make him entirely likeable ( funny how that goes ) , he's pretty much the description of this entry. Which in itself should give me pleasure to no end but it's the combination of weed and rough sex that makes me giddy in my knees. Now we all know that girls who fuck attract more fuck. It's simple mathematics.
Seing as i've been getting loads of it ( i blame Shark Week for this, men seem to cluster together around me as soon as my eggs pop and burst South ) i attract loads of it.
Here's the catch: Men are filthy, digusting pigs with a one track mind. Which basically describes myself, which is cool and things. I don't even mind. There's not even a "but".
I went over to this guys appartment today to help him move. We've hit it off once but never followed through and he's a giant piece of shit full of shit. But. His dog is adorable and i love her and he offered me cash if i would come help him move.
Yes, i am a whore.
So i go over, it's super hot, no air conditioning in the shithole he lives in ( the new appartment apparently does have air conditioning but i'm pretty sure i'll never see the new fancy pad because like I said, he's a piece of shit. ) and i wear a black tank and jeans, nothing fancy but oh well. I start doing shit, wrap stuff up ( he's so fucking cheap he went to the fucking post office to get free boxes instead of buying fucking moving boxes. I had to wrap glass in tissues cause he's too cheap to buy bubble wrap. ) ...I'm getting off track here...Feminism! Sexual Revolution! Porn!...or something.
I wrap shit, put it away, cause i'm a pro at organizing everybody elses life but mine and we're halfway down we end up on his bed somehow ( don't ask me i was cuddling the dog, i swear. ) and it becomes a kind of grinding thing.
Now, we remember this guy is a piece of shit.
Here's the thing: 2 years ago i would have felt so responsible for his huge boner i would have sucked his cock without him even having to ask for it. Skip to now all i could say was "you know you're not getting any, right? Cause you're so not. This whole grinding your cock on my ass thing is cute and all but that's really about it." , he even got me all tangled up in my fav posish ( clothes on, you pervs ) with his boner on my ass once again ( yeah i don't know either, i'm very open to discussing favourite sex positions while being fully clothed apparentlt ) and all i could say was "yeah that's how Tom fuckedm e once, was awesome. He's got this brick wall behind his bed. Kinky...ah it's 5.30, gots to go matey!"
I know this sounds ridiculous but it happend pretty much like that. Tomorrow i'll go back there and he'll be an ass and treat me like shit. I'll still be the one in charge though, which makes him even more angry and we'll fall out again like we always do. Which is okay,he'll keep doing this until the end of day. Until he's convinced i'm the biggest bitch on earth. Right now he's hitting me up on facebook. Men are jokes.
"I'm a million different people
all wrapped into one
i've got a glitch to switch
a mission to solve
and i'm afraid the wrapping will break
i'll spill on the floor
all seven of me
al my eighteen bodies
and my twenty thousand brains
my heart is gonna spill
and so will my million sins
i'll be on the floor
all seven of me"
Could somebody mop me up?Cause i'm seriously falling apart here. I've developped this weird sense of calmness inside me. It's not the good kind of "ooh transcendent hapyness and foreverlasting light" kind of calmness. It's more like "I'll be dead soon anyhow". It feels like i've realized that if i really hit rock bottom and screw this up i'll be able to pick myself up, take a lot of drugs and booze and just end it.
I know that sounds scary.
But it doesn't feel like that. It doesn't feel like the calm before the storm because i don't feel like there's a storm waiting anymore. What can be worse than this? Being entirely without purpose and direction? Which i am. Even worse: I know my direction but i can't do anything about it.
There's always options my mum says but i don't have energy for options naymore. I don't have energy for anything anymore. I'm vegan for the most part because i can't stop not looking after myself and by eatig Vegan i am forced to do that. I just have to look after myself otherwise i'll starve.
