I feel like shit, essentially. At all times. He drives me nuts, makes me want to kill him. He won't listen when i speak even if he asks and the way he looks at me has changed from adoration and admiration to pure boredom. I could do splits on an elephant with pumpkin pie on my nipples he wouldn't give a flying shit. I feel trapped like a million tigers would feel if someone put them in a can. A tiny can without light and air. He's everywhere and with him are his millions of feelings and they're all surpressed. Theyre' down there and i can't reach them. They're fluid and solid at the same time. Crammed in a timeframe i can't step into and he can't step out of so we fuck in the middle and then bounce back into our gummy little reality bubbles. How much hurt can a person take? How much of his pain can i take onto me - as a friend, as a person. Not really as the one i want him to fall in love with. He's not in love with me. We create love out of what we have to give to the other one -
compassion, lust, anger, hatred, kindness. I don't know what we created
this love out of but it's none of those. You can't go back to long-lost-love the way we used to know it once you've lost it. It's tainted and the top of it always smells like burnt milk on the stove. That's why we go back to what we used to love. The sheer thought of never having it again drives one insane, makes me mad, makes you a lost boy. He wishes he could and he tells me he does but nothing could ever come close enough to what he has with her - had with her , will always have with her.The pureness of the dirt they have together makes them so perfect for each other you can't help but stare at it. The hatred she harvests inside herself towards everyone and anyone who doesn't love her unconditionally at all times and forever is unspeakable - even towards herself. She can't grasp how beautiful and perfect she is so she hates everythimg about herself instead.Devours it with a hunger only known to hawks and crows. She devours everything else with it, too. She won't pick the mouse off the field, she'll drain the whole field in her lungs while she's at it and then cry about the lost grains for too many moons.
She's so perfect for him they would slit each other open with their boney hips and just drown in the blood.
I don't know nothing anymore, i am pathless, without ambition and guts to do anything. I used to never think, always act, pure evil on a playground yelling for more apple pie. I'd run wild with the daisies and never look back, leave boys and girls dead on the sidewalk while wind and monsoons would carry me up, up and beyond with their claws tucked tightly into my skin until my ravid shakes of annoyance would make them drop me. Millions and thousands of feet down, down and beyond. Crash, die, burn - just feel somethig deep down where nobody lives. I wasn't even able to distinguish heart, brain and soul for the most part.All one big bruise. Everything would hurt at all times reminsicing the pain he burnt into my body by his gloved, tarnished leather hands. But it would make run and run without exhaustion or misery or hunger. I'd be needless for so long and now all i can do is need,need and need more.
Now it's all my head. At all times. It plays me and tricks me into thinking normalcy could work. That i wasn't the girl that has to get away. How many lost boys are there to save?
