So I cut. Twice in the last week. Before i left New York while being with Jay right after we had sex and today after he cut in the morning. I took the hottest bath and cut my leg open with a razor. Three little triplet cuts everywhere, bleeders, too. I am trying to make him feel responsible, i helped him out this morning and then slipped into cuttage myself this afternoon. I sat on the phone lulling him to sleep and the other way around "he can't have this conversation right now". I'm being submissive where i should yell at him that I DO need this conversation RIGHT NOW.
This is the moment where independant, self-sufficient women would dump the fag. This moment should have happend a while ago when I realized he's a pot smoking fuck up with no future ( which isnt true, hes too lucky not to have a future and his family adores him too much to let him not have one...hell always have something. )
I want to yell and shout firstly at him and how much i love him and second at my incompetence to differenciate my emotional layers. Am i hating him cause im pushing him away? Am i angry cause i cut? Am i angry cause i let him be part of this? Am i angry cause i want him to take care of all my brain defects? Am i upset cause its another round of "I take care of you but you wont take care of me?"?
I know instantly and always what other people need. My mothers example has programmed me to do this with males, females, friends, parents of friends, bosses and kids. I just know. It gets frustrating whenever its not return but i am in dire need of the same understanding.
i'm rotten, cherished and slowly going down
