2 posts tagged “best friend”
I'm not made for real life friendships, really. Not those everyday-school-and-afterwards-girl-shit.
None that require constant occupation. I feel like a bad person for all the things people do for me without getting anything in return - when i really shouldn't.Of course it's sweet to see rock 'n' roll bands in towns. It's nice to have somebody whos house i can go to after work. It's nice to have somebody i can ponder around school if i feel the need to.
But the whole getting to know her?
Not happening. It didn't with the last girl who i wanted to be my "best friend" , i doesn't with the one right now.
The reason? I do not care.
I don't care where she's from, what her childhood friends are called, if her mum is crazy, if her sister is driving her nuts, i don't like hearing stories about her past or what is happening in her life right now. I just do not care at all.
It's a weird thing and i wish i was better than this, i wish i could listen to all these tellings and enjoy it truthfully and honest - truth is, i'm not.
I've realized this by now.
I wish i could be a best friend for everybody who wants me to. I wish i could be Chris' heroin he asked me to be, i wish i had the guts to tell Janine that she's missing out, that her relationship is going somewhere wrong, I wish i had the balls to be a good best friend for the person who considers a best friend at this stage in my life.
But I'm not. I'm not her best friend - that's another girl she's know for years. And that's just fine for me. It's reality. Just like the person who's been her best friend is hers, Franzi is mine. That's the way it is. It's like with my (step-)dad not accepting that i am not his natural child. And that it's just fine like this, that it doesn't make a difference but that it is reality.
Thing is, ever since i've stepped into this girls life again she has started talking some shit about her old best friend to me. I never respond to that. I always tell her that she should talk to that person about it - cause it's not my business. It's their shit.
She just relies on me cause i'm the easier option right now and as much as i can understand that i still think it's wrong. I still think it's not right. I still believe that i'm somehow wrong in the picture.
I can only be what i am.
I'm the kid you call up if you wanna go rent movies with greasy hair or mosh in the club or get wasted and fucked. I'm the person you spend time with if there's stuff to do.
I'm not somebody to talk your life through with.. I've heard childhood stories. I've heard puberty stories. I've spend my teenage time in houses of others. It's cool. I'm through with it.
It's the reason i've turned down Stefan.
I'm tired of everybodies stories.
I'll listen to you if you've got an issue. I'll help you trough. That's what i do for the people around me. I would never not. I'll get you a lovely birthday if nobody else does. I'll send you parcles for Valentines if i know that's what you need. I'll tell your sister off if i know you can't bear it any longer. I'll pick you up in Stuttgart cause you're on coke and without money. I'll do your math homework with you calling the math geeks because you've got a presentation the next day.
- And i wouldn't have it any other way.
But i've realized that i'm not made for phone calls. I'm not made for listening to stories about first drunk times. Not if they're just random convos. If they mean nothing - if they're just to get to know you better.
I never tell stories about my past either.I've never really recognized that i purposely don't do this. But in my life nobody knows my story.
When i've told a girl in my maths class about me living on the street a year she couldn't believe it - even though it was only mentioned as a side note to explain a certain belief i have on a certain topic. Nobody knows about my past friends. The stories happened to me. I never talk about them - i think that is because whatever they have made me become i stand for. Me, that is what those stories are. Everything that happend to me is me right now summed up. I am the deep down meaning of those stories about past loves and happenings.
It's a stupid thing to do. It's worse probably than being a loner and just hating the world. Cause i'm letting everybody in - but i'm keeping them out at the same as far as can be.
I'm not made for bff shit. I'll go shopping with you if you wanna go shopping. Or if you need new clothes. But i won't be at ease. I won't enjoy hearing what you like about this shirt or that jeans. Simply because i do not care.
I care about the people new in my life. But i don't care about their stories. They've got best friends who know the stories. There's no need for me to know them too. If you want to talk about how you felt that night, where it has taken you, when you broke, who made you realize things. Go ahead. Tell me. Tell me the meaning of your stories. That's what i care about - the meaning. Not the bullshit around it.
I'll get a picture of you that is not true - not you.
I'll get a version of you filled with stories, not meanings. To me, that's an empty picture. It means nothing and even more so it tends to annoy me.
Why are people always having to tell their stories? Why aren't they coming down to what they mean?
Back then when you had your first beer or your first breakdown, the first bad mark in school, the first kiss, did you care about the way things happend or do you remember what it meant to you?
I think stories should be told. Tell them to everybody, but tell them because they mean something, not just because they happend.
How did you meet your best friend(s)?
franzi
I met my lovely lovely little Franzi when i was eleven..making it 9 flippin years we have shared together.isn't that crazy now..I had the opportunity to go to an advanced school because my grades were all rather stunning and so i did.Back then i was friends with a girl called Celine and she had the same opportunity and chose the school Franzi went to..So eventually i did the same being a 13yr old loser not knowing how to make own decision.
& there i was, 13, intimitated, new school, new poeple, higher expectations.Shit scared i was..
Somhow Franzi and i conquered all the puberty shit, fits and hormonal mental idioticness and months of not talking.
We always find back to each other...There was this one time a couple of weeks back when my mum and i were talking and she said 'you know i think Franzi is your best friend' and i said 'nah, mum, she's my sister.more than anything else'
& we agreed on that.It feels the same for her.Even if we don't talk for weeks there's always a deep connection between us.Everything is 'just allright'.Everything is okay.I love her like i love my sister.
There has never been any doubt that she'll ever go away or leave my life.I love her to guts.i really do.We have the most wicked convos about politics and things i don't talk to anybody about feel absolutey easy with her.We easily come from politics to socks to Abraham Lincoln conversation wise.She's inspiring and greatful and the most devoted person i have in my life.
Diana
When i was aboutttt 13 i had to do a school year over again cause i had failed which had caused me to end up in Diana's class..We clicked from the first sight.She's this tiny punk girl not caring about her clothes or hair or whatever else and i remember her always having a glow around her.She was always jumping around and grinning and smiling..So i met her in my classes back then.We just loved each other.And with that i really mean love.In every sense of the word.I loved that little fucker and she loved me back.We were sharing our worlds and i will forever miss her tiny hugs in the morning full of greatness and commitment..I hate that i have lost contact with her.It hurts me to even think about it..For me, she definied the definition of 'love' i have these days.. We lost contact after i had left school and she moved.I could kick myself for it everyday.However, i think what we had was too intense to warm it up again.I know that the summer we had together won't come back and i rather cherish it for what it was then try and re-enact it in some way or another.
'Oley
Holly and odd little me ended up talking cause of the distillers icon making community she had back then over at livejournal.I admired her lots for the image she was giving out for the 'public' ( ie odd people who read livejournals ) with all her nutters hairstyles and her crazy stories..I wanted to know if she'd like me i think for some reason so i applied at the community to know if i would be 'good enough' and after i got accepted i was actually finished with my admiration stuff and the like and wasn't thinking about her anymore... but somehow we ended up talking on AIM and things just went silly ( cats...castles...black oldtimers for death purpose... ) .
I still think it's a miracle i've been letting her so close to me.I doubt that anyone in my life knows as much about me as she does.Not 'about me' but rather knows entirely me..with all my wrongs and sicknesses and insecurities and failures and whatever there is else in me.And there is absolutely anyone who makes me feel so good about the very few good things inside me.She makes me feel like those few things make the difference.That the things wrong inside me don't matter anymore.She makes me believe in myself and in people.She is the one person i compare everybody else in my life to.it's silly but yeah.. we met last year 'round fall ( this time actually ) and while being at her mum's house we fell in love with britney spears.that's actually a good definition of what kind of people we are.we are best friends falling in utterly shit love with trailer trash britney & kevin.oh yes.
There's other people i once considered 'best friends' but aren't nowadays anymore...there's chris whom i met when i was 8 in school and ended up going through drug abuse with... there's janine whom i met in 11th grade when i got into my current school and who turns out to be just as lost as i am... there's Denise, whom i met with Diana and whom i loved lots but we never put enough effort in our relationship to actually hold things together.I talk to her once in a while and invite her over to my b'days but that's it...there's katharina, my childhood best friend for life living in the same odd little suburb as me and whom i spend my entire childhood with...and of course victoria!our mum's used to live together when we were little babies and we swore each other true love forever at age 2...
oh well oh well.
