2 posts tagged “death”
I'm facing the floor, basically. My whole body is. It's pressed onto the stained, dirty grey rough idea of a rug my room is filled out with. Scratching against my cheek and the palms of my hands pressing against it. It does feel like I could get up but reality has it i won't.
Not in the near future anyway.
Chris has been hospitalized.Last friday he came over and hugged me and soothed me in sweet new tunes he wrote while being coked up. He's looking like a death, false image of himself two years ago.
He's not going to make it.
I stared at him all through the night, really. After a hysteric call at 2am because all this angst and fear of loss inside me overwhelmed me too much he came and rescued me.
He's brought me ( aka has ripped from somebody ) a little golden ring and gave it to me.
He's going to die.
His ashy eyes are all whidened up and slurred into his head and the way his hands stroke over his guitars has changed in a way I can't put into words. There's a certain agony tagged to his movements I don't understand or get at all and when he kisses me I can't feel his breath at all. It's like a rotten rest of him is sliding inside me instead of him actually being there.
It's not like he is still there anymore either, who am I kidding.
We lay onto the cold, rough grey carpet together just staring at each other after I had calmed and the weight of my body has never felt more like a pressure than that night I think. I wetted the spots next to my face like a giant mess.
I don't want him to die on me.
What do you absolutely refuse to eat?
I've started to grow back into myself.
Walking down the street yesterday after my last theory driving lesson I realized how much I am like I was about a year or two ago. Secretly i'm trying to hide it away and tuck it under by thinking it's just natural because hey, I'm going to be out of school soon. But the truth is I'm starting to close down again.
I don't talk to people anymore and all i am towards most of my friends is being aggravated and the straight opposite of humble. I don't appreciate them and because of all this future scaryness stuck in my heart I become manipulative and greedy, too.
I envy Biancas shopping sprees and that Eva&Ev are both out for a festival this weekend which I didn't have enough cash for. Lots. It's eating me up entirely making me feel even more rotten than I already do.
The way I've found myself slightly okay with me druing the past year has somehow vanished. I don't talk anymore.With plainly nobody. Whatever it is inside me making me feel so lost and helpless nobody knows about it - and neither do i. Talking has solved it for me apparently, now somehow everybody I used to share my inner self with has gone and dropped off into spheres I can't reach.
I am already scared of the weekend ahead because nobody is going to have time to spend it with me ( Bianca and Carina are studying for her oral exams on monday and everybody else is off to the festival ) to keep my thoughts off the books I can't find of which each is around 25 bucks I shall have to pay if I don't have them till monday.
Things like this make me crumble on the floor. Right now all i seek to be is really sick, depressed and dirty. Cause that's exactly how I feel. I didn't think not working in the kindergarden would do me so much damage either. If there is nothing to do ( and there isn't cause I can't be arsed to even get up most of the time ) all I think about is how much time I could spend with the little ones doing something significant rather than avoiding my thoughts.
Lately I have started to systemize my doings in working steps. For instance making myself a drink is 14 working steps.I categorize them in my head under "amount of effort" and other things and chose to do or not do them due to their worthyness.
Because I do them over and over and over inside my head I get so exhausted by doing just that instead of the actual movement I lose the energy to the actual thing.
It's sick, isn't it?
The easiest things like getting up ( 9 working steps ) become massive, huge, unclimbable mountains by this. It's not that they actually are. Who would say that getting up is a hard thing to do?.. I mean unless you've got to do something unpleasent afterwards. But to me, the act itself is undoable.
So yes, I'm back deep deep inside myself and I seem to hate it here even more than I used to do. Even the shame about my depression is back. Currently I'm considering wether or not to post this because people may find it boring. It's just that most of the times life isn't full of one night stands and advices for people or important things to discuss. A lot of times it's just me stuck in my room trying to keep on breathing. Cause breathing takes 4 working steps and that's a lot.
I'm so sick of people leaving me behind it's disgusting. Franzi's dog had to be put down on monday and we've talked about how she's getting in touch with death currently but in a very sensitive and soft kind of way.
Afterwards I wrote a 10 page piece about the deaths I have experienced since I was about three or four plus all the emotionally and physically sick people sticking around I fear of dying on me.
Ten pages.
It's not like I rambled even. It's 10 pages full of dead people.
