3 posts tagged “holly”
I am watching I Love Lucy! I can't believe I am actually watching I Love Lucy. On Tv. I can't believe how happy it makes me to watch I Love Lucy. Can you believe how happy it could make a person to watch I Love Lucy on telly?
It's not just I Love Lucy though, it's that I am wearing a Kat von D shirt I bought in the Virgin store at Times Square and I am drinking Kool-Aid. Jammers, not the do-it-yourself kind. Jammers, kids. As my bed-time lecture I am feeding myself the twisted mind of Sylvia Plath and I listen to Bob Wyss ( author of Brimfield Rush ...a book about the Antiques and things. Haven't read it yet. ) talking about Ornaments watching him play with his granddaughter. I talk to women who have raised three children and gotten a Ph.D. in Psychology and I spend my weekends wandering around New York City.
Well, not so much this weekend because Hey, giant snow storm all over New York. But generally that's what I do.
I wish I could write how depressing all of this is to see and I'm sure that moment will come especially with the delicate book-choices I seem to make and the non-existant interest my friends and family back home seem to have in setting up a virtual speak-and-see connection with me.
Yet, Lily Allen brightens up my mood and I couldn't tell how a 45 hour week with two baby-kids wears me out. The way I smile on pictures has changed for a reason or two aswell. I thought I had lost it and I'm not saying I am a different person but dear me I have my smile back.
I have all these pictures of me and my sister and somewhen a couple of years after my step dad had entired our life and things started to fall apart inside me my smile vanished. I started blacking out. Not as in fainting but rather as in fading out of the pictures. There is and was no personality of a bubbly happy child to be seen in those pictures. I was dull and bloated, an ugly vision of what should have been and was supposed to turn out as a decent child.
I desperately seek for a love to share with. Missing Holly is the worst part living here, really. She's my keeper. Keeps me sane, keeps me for the sake of me not going crazy inside this world. I will become a doctor even if it's just for the sake of knowing how to help her out.
My fingers are pressing against the wooden atmosphere of the desk and i'm focusing on the keyboard in front of me. My nose is running and my hoodie is up covering my greasy hair. Bits and pieces of my make up are fading blackishly around my wet eyes. There are tears, but they're not really there. I can tell they are. But if you would take an instant picture of me i would just look like an ordinary girl from downtown on a messed up friday night.
My stomache is feeling empty because i feel the need to oblidge to the goal i have set myself to have lost atleast thirty pounds by next month."Is she starving herself?", you ask. I'm not. I am eating. Very healthy, actually. I have had fruit today and lots of black bread. I have been drinking three litres of water everyday and right now my tea is boiling.
I won't take sugar in it.
I have never known the beauty of the Arcade fire but today I did. I have never driven a car. But today I did. An old one that is, all rubbish like me. Big trunk and all that. I drove it.
There are exactly six flies on my window, which reminds me of Holly. They bump against the shady, pure glass and fall back. And then they do it again. And again.
Just like I type. It's a repeating of nothing, really. Something without substance or purpose. It's just something I do. And i can't help it. I'm a bit of them flies. Knowing nothing of what happens around them. The Arcade fire has mostly soppy tracks but with a melody you could never hum at a funeral. There's a shade of green in their blackness. Some sort of polish mother must be sitting in a rubbish home right now listening to them and thinking that's what the kids do now with old polka songs. Of course that is quite some insane image denying the existance of the fact that most old polish grannies probably do not really know of The Arcade Fire.
There is a bar of chocolate right in front of me. I have unwrapped it last saturday i think. It's there and I'm smiling at it realizing that it would taste like a piece of shit if i'd take it in my mouth right now. It happens that if you change your eating style and stop doing sugar for a while you don't crave it anymore. When, as you do eat lots of sugar your system wants it again and again. I think i have realized this today.
I have done quite a job today.
And you know, it all feels rotten. Why? Cause compared to the masses of things i still have to do it means absolutely nothing.
QotD:
Show us the person who knows you best.
<-- hawkedriot
yesyes.that's her.she's quite hot isn't she.i know how to pick cool people hehe she knows quite big parts of me.all the shit parts mostly.most of the good ones as far as i have some aswell.she's precious.
& that's the girl who used to know me best..her name's manu.i used to love her.and she loved me back.it's been a while.we hurt each other lots.but yeah she knew me.
Looking at both the pictures holly and her have the same kind of attitude, don't they! hehe just kidding.
i wish i could find a picture of Diana.she used to know great bits of me aswell.Back when i was so young i didn't even barely know who 'me' was.. i think she defined what i understand as 'love' today.We were friends...and even though i can't really imagine being with a chick again i think Diana defined great deals of what is me today back then.In a way that isn't just friendship but goes further.I think back then i'd have given my life for her.Or so it felt atleast..With all her crazy loveness.
i'm glad they have been ( or are ) here.with me.and stuff.i'm such a pussy.
