3 posts tagged “losing it”
It will. I'm pretty sure of that.
How I'm able to ramble about shoes being the ultimate escape from myself?
I'm on drugs.
Today was the funeral of a good friend of my grandpa. 14 days ago he basically just fell over and was dead while shopping with his wife.The day before he had been for his annual heart-check. All good, all fine you go and shop with your wife.
It's funeral number twenty one since I was seven years old.The only funeral I didn't attend but would have mattered was that of my fathers.
Ever since I was about seven or eight I called my step-dad "father" and "daddy". With my actual father never really caring for me and my new-born litle sister calling her dad well, "dad", obviously there was nothing much else to expect from an eight year old than to call the man living with her mother under the roof her sister was born "daddy" , too.
My mother tells me that he sat down with me and had a talk with me about how - if i choose to call him dad - i couldn't just take it back whenever I would be angry at him. It was a all-or-nothing deal.
I'm twenty now and I have finally accepted that my father has never cared for me when I was little and that my father died when I was 13. My daddy commited suicide and left me.
My step-dad has always been dead, atleast as far as I can remember he has only been alive whenever he hit my mother or me.Or his daughter.I've never seen him much more alive than in those moments, maybe that's one of the reasons we never left him until now - the overwhelmingness of all that life exploding in his sheer agression against us simply darkened and dumbed us.
I've got a step-dad left now I can't love anymore cause he has misused, abused and lost all that love I used to have for him and I've got a dead father six feet under.
My best friend is seemingly vanishing out of my life without me being able to grasp her at all, Chris is going to be dead in a few weeks time, my mother is starting to go down by all the things he needs to face now that my step-dad has left, all my friends have blocked me out because I have let one of them down once in the time I've known her, my uncle has abandoned me because I earned money instead of attending his wedding and really? I just feel lost. So much. It's beyond where peep-toes and swallows can rescure my footprints in the sand.
I'm facing the floor, basically. My whole body is. It's pressed onto the stained, dirty grey rough idea of a rug my room is filled out with. Scratching against my cheek and the palms of my hands pressing against it. It does feel like I could get up but reality has it i won't.
Not in the near future anyway.
Chris has been hospitalized.Last friday he came over and hugged me and soothed me in sweet new tunes he wrote while being coked up. He's looking like a death, false image of himself two years ago.
He's not going to make it.
I stared at him all through the night, really. After a hysteric call at 2am because all this angst and fear of loss inside me overwhelmed me too much he came and rescued me.
He's brought me ( aka has ripped from somebody ) a little golden ring and gave it to me.
He's going to die.
His ashy eyes are all whidened up and slurred into his head and the way his hands stroke over his guitars has changed in a way I can't put into words. There's a certain agony tagged to his movements I don't understand or get at all and when he kisses me I can't feel his breath at all. It's like a rotten rest of him is sliding inside me instead of him actually being there.
It's not like he is still there anymore either, who am I kidding.
We lay onto the cold, rough grey carpet together just staring at each other after I had calmed and the weight of my body has never felt more like a pressure than that night I think. I wetted the spots next to my face like a giant mess.
I don't want him to die on me.
i'm soaking wet.my arms feeling heavy and the sweat mingling with the pure clearity of the bright blue water around me clings to my body constantly.
There is nothing but me. I feel it. It's there and i can't grab it, can't describe it. It's me and it's not. I've got no control of this happening with me. The air around me is getting heavier and heavier. The deeper i sink the bigger loungs get filled with lost amounts of oxygen. It whidens my chest, blows it up like a big shiny balloon on a hot summer day out on the fare. I hear people screaming, they're dazed in the sunlight. I can tell they're shouting, fierce, loud, groans and shrieking noises. They resemble flashbacks, sound like i should know them but i don't. All i can sense and feel and take in is the ice cold water around me sliding through my skin and leaving me wounded like a rotten kind of animal.
Their voices are so far off i can barely tell if they are female or male.
I slowly feel my identity losing it's grip. With the air released by my loungs i feel like my sexuality is floating away too. It's getting ripped out of my breasts and my corpse. There is no sign of an uterus in me anymore. No vague description of any girl inside my bones. If they find me they might just never know i was a ever anything but a person.
I'm beautiful and I know it.
It's the breasts and the way i tend to walk in high shoes, it's my big hips signalising you that i'm ready to bear your babies. I've got the cutest nose aswell, tiny eyes but my big red lips make up for that and if i add enough classic eyeliner onto them you won't give a damn dare. I've got the biggest, shiniest hair with womanly curls in it if i want to. My skin is clear and paler than the moon.
I'm beautiful and i know that you know.
Right now for the first time in my life ever it does not matter. The volumes and masses of my body aren't in any way clear anymore. With my body drowning to the ground it is only one big mass of clothing and skin. You can't tell wether it's my neck or feet right now. If i'm upright or floating down with my head first.
I'm floating - i'm free. Sexuality doesn't mean a damn thing when you die. It's you and the elements fighting. It always is the elements fighting. Right now it's air versus water. Sometimes it's fire against water&air, maybe. With the fire usually winning over and burning you right out. Often it's just pure, clear gravitiy and the blood streaming out of your veins disturbing whatever it was you are leaving the people behind.
I'm soaking wet, my big hoodies fabric is feeling like savory right now. I knew the fiveteen bucks would be worth it. My heavy jeans are being a blessing and i'm glad i didn't wear the light skirt i inteded to wear earlier this morning.
The pressure is getting heavy - I breath in, feel my pulse getting heavier. The water is taking over. The hearbeat stars screaming. It's beating like an early Distillers song. So far off from a real beat it's quite a pleasure to listen to it. And it's all i can hear. It's me, it's my blood. It's all there is to me now.
